stillnotforsale

Ok, so my first day at job was not that bad as i thought it'd be. 8 hours of walking around the shop - omg, hard, but kinda exercise, lol. Maybe i'll lose some more weight cuz i have no time to eat anything or ever take a sit, yay!!

<3

OK, it's started great. - i'm officially gonna start working at the clothing shop 2morrow.
....and then i've been cought shoplifting in a market.. For the second time so far! The security took me to the police station so now i must be waiting for what the judge says.. I'll know in 2 weeks or so.. I'm totally screwed! I'll have to pay a fine. Like shitloads of money which i truly have none! omg...... I've cried my eyes out. I'm such a stupid person. I wish nobody ever knew me... I just wish i was dead by now......

I got a job!! yayayay!
Happy. Excited. Hopeful.
Good to know september brings smth new into my life.
Like 8 hours/day w/out thinking of bingeing for sure, yay!
Ah, and i'll get pretty good salary, hehe.

<3

so i'm about to know if i got that job as a sales assistant at VM. I wanna get that job sooooo bad! I'd be happy being around those clothes all day and not thinking of food, omg..
LOL, yesterday i took laxies and they worked only this morning! I'm kinda still crushing a toilet every 5 min.. And i must leave to that workplace in a half an hour, duhhh !  LOL.
The good thing is that i feel empty, yay!
<3

I was cought getting rid of the lunch in my bathroom a few hours ago...
I didn't mention i'm staying at my mom's as for now since i'm back from Denmark. So..well..yeah.. She's cought me purging today. She yelled at me like muthefucker.. but i've been still struggling about the rest of chicken ( yuck ) in my stomach so i didn't get a shit and went back to the bathroom and continued getting rid of that fcking chicken. My mom heard everything. She said nothing since i'm out of the bathroom. I mean like not a word. Silent like tomb. I'm so embarrassed.. But i think she's noticed i'm doing this crap before, just hasn't seen...
And then my aunt came to visit my mom. They talked alot. I just heard smth like 'she thinks she's fat..' , 'i don't know how to act' etc. Haven't heard alot of that conversation.. And after a while they came up to me. My mom asked me to tell the aunt what i was doing after the lunch.. like wtf?! That was the worst moment in my life! Seriously!
I am 21.
I am just visiting.
But it hurts so bad.
Hurts to know she knows. and feels pain insinde to know that her anorexic daughter became bulimic.
Can't believe all this was for real... Feels like i'm having the worst nightmare ever! Ah ah...

I'm out of money!!
It's never been that bad as today! - there's no coffee in the house and i finished my last cigarette 10 min ago (i'm a hard smoker, so i'd usually be smoking by now..)
It's a big deal! I can keep my mind away of food by smoking and drinking coffee non-stop. And now i'm freaking out! I've already had a hunger point coming up my stomache.. I'm so scared of bingeing... I must go out to see somebody i know. I gotta borrow some money ( sounds creepy ) Ah, i don't wanna get back to b/ping! or maybe i do...... Fcking whale! Kill me better
Silly, i've weighed myself this morning ( i suppoped not to after yesterday's binge, ah) so guess, lol - i'm up to 56kgs!!!!!!! 2 fcking kgs!!!! I can't screw up 2day, i mean it. I must get money for coffee and cigs!! Omg......

Duh, i purged twice yesterday. Fck me! Heh.......
Looser!
I had nothing in between but the WHOLE bottle of red wine.
Isn't that stupid?!
I'm sorta dying today.. Hangover, food, headache, food, weakness, fcking food!! I eat since i'm back home. Now it's like for 3 or so hours ( !!! ) One apple. Two apples. Grapes. Cauliflower. Tomato. Apple etc etc. 700cals so far.............................
The worst thing is that i know this won't stop 'til i go to sleep. My brains are too damaged because of alcohol so i can't even think what the hell i am doing to myself... Sad.
OK, let's say today i'm screwed.
Tomorrow will do better.
Ah, my weight was 54kgs yestreday....
Won't weight myself tomorrow.
And no food for tomorrow.
Fck me!

<3

okay.. so i'm still alive, duh! Stupid to write smth like that, but i've been up to kill myself a few times this summer, lol. Funny... I wish i was strong enough to do that, but like i said 100 times before - i'm a failure!
BUT!!! - i've got a dream now so i can't die. I must learn french and move to France!!!!! I'm in love with this country and people from there! I want to get married with a french guy and live my life there talking in french(sounds impossible, lol) but okay, i'd have friends there at least.............................

It's been a while..
I've been up and down.
Now i can't stop eating. Used to fast, now it seems impossible. Altho, i eat only fruits and veggies, but like really huge ammounts.. Can't stand this! I'm so hopeless.. I purge sometimes.............
I'm up now.
Spending time at home cos can't show my fat ass to the others.
Totally depressed.
Want to dissapear......

Today's the 600 day.
Was hard even to reach 400ish so i've decided to make this day "special" and had an alcoholic coctail which was 188cals. Other were from
-soy joghurt
-eggplant
-cucumber
-grapes
-coffee w/soymilk
-tea w/lemon

Total: 505cals (not 600, but up to 500 at least)

Feel a lil out of life after the coctail, but in a good way. lol
Tomorrow's liquid fast.
Gonna see my consulant so will be quite easy to fast as far as i'm not at home...

Today's nothing. Like really nothing.
I've had 332cals of
-cabbage
-apple
-pomegranate
-coffee w/soymilk
-tea w/lemon
-sugarfree raspberry caramel
Limit is 400 so i'm okay.
Altho, craving other foods all day. Has been trying to make myself do something but thinking of food. Has made some cuts of models and skinny girls from old magazines as a thinspo but have no glue to make my own "magazine" of perfection..
Trying not to drink that much as i used to. Hard but thist's gonna dissapear as hunger does(rarely, but DOES!) Don't want to gain any more weigh even from water! I'm fat and need to be punished for my binges lately..
Tomorrow's the 600 day. I've bought some soy yogurts(58cals/100g) for tomorrow and other(but the day after tomorrow - liquid fast) days.. It's amazing and low in cals, yay i've found it! No more plans what to eat tomorrow. When i plan i screw up almost all the time. It's better to cut my hunger point 'til i coulld bark and then eat some veggies, fruits or legumes(not this week tho)...

So yesterday liquid fasted. Had lots of cals from juices, tho... Has been up 0.1kg this morning, but hope it's water weight cos had about 4.5L yesterday, huh...
Today it seems i've got control back(or i think i have).. Have had 174cals as my day intake says 200 for today.. It's the hardest day for me. I am in "all or nothing" period lately. Wish i had that strong control feeling that i used to have. Altho, today was good -
-cabbage
-lettuce
-sugarfree raspberry caramels
-sugarfree gum
-coffee w/soymilk
-tea w/lemon
Tomorrow is gonna be a 400 day. Actually, scared a lil of it. Was thinking to go on 200 til i can, but dunno.. Metabolism? Besides, i'm so scared of bingeing after all..
I need to loose weight fast. I'm fat now after non-stop bingeing lately, heh.. Also, there's gonna be a bikini party in less than 2 weeks. I'd love to go there, but affraid of people(my so-called friends too) see my fat in a bikini. I need to get down to 57 at least so i could go there and have a lil of fun.
Ah, i haven't taken my meds this morning. Feeling better. And got the control back. Perhaps it depends as i thought. I dunno but we'll see..
Need to buy some more sugarfree caramels for my future. They're cool. Love them(7cals/1caramel) - less than in a cup of coffee w/soymilk (don't like it w/out) and feels the same way after. Besides, it takes longer to suck it than to drink coffee..
Ah, i want to fit into my brand new jeans.................

Yesteday was dammit bad. I had guests and my mom's bf gave me loads of money. I bought shitloads of foods and binged on everything i craved. Wanted to purge nut couldn't. Thought i was going to die. I was thirsty and after i had loadsof water and juice i vomited. but like in 3 hours. Stange that i still had all the food i binge on in my stomach. Ah, it was bad bad bad day. I supposed to have 200cals yesterday, but heh...
Liquid fast today.
Feel like shit, but i'm down 0.2kg. Perhaps of vomiting in the evening, dunno.
Fast fast fast!
I haven't gone to see my consulant today because it's raining and i feel incredibly fat. Can't belive i did that shit yesterday. I hate when i have guests! I always binge when i'm not alone. It's because of a pressure they give me. They alway watch me eating and comment if i don't. I hate everyone who tries to control my eating habits! Otherwise, i hate to be alone cos if i have money i can binge too. Ah, i hate TO BE. I wanna die so bad but can't even kill myself. My mom would die of a heart attack or anything..
Hate being myself......

Today i wanted to make a fater fast day, but failed. AGAIN! I failed my water fast by drinking coffee w/soymilk in the morning. Wanted to drink coffee. Wanted to eat fruit. Wanted to eat loads of things. Wanted to binge.. Have had a cup of coffee and stopped thinking. Then forced myself to excersise on a stepper and had a cup of green tea. Instead of water fasting. Damnass!
So as i failed the water fast i decided today to be a 1st day of (liquid fast; only water if possible)-2-4-6. I can't screw up again! I've been so deep in that shit! I know, i always write "never again, start again, won't do" etc, but this time is different cos i've weighed myself this morning - can't write that HUGE number, but i cry all day and want to kill myself again(seriously). I MUST get out of this. It can't happend i'd feel worse than now. I'll be back on track or i die.
Hah, funny thing's happened. My mom's bought me diet pills today. Yesterday i told her i know the pills that helps to get ride of hunger(i've been bingeing like crazy lately, she knows that) and today she's brought me them! Of course, she doesn't know that i take them instead of eating, but i need to get back on track! How bad is it? well... Lies, lies, lies again and again and again...

cup of beet/carrot juice
can of chickpeas,
can of corn,
radishes,
tomato,
1/4 cucumber,
7 apples,
3 cups of coffee w/ soymilk,
casserole of grean peas, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, zucchini, egplant

Started eating like at 7am and now it's 1.30pm - disgusting!
Can't stop bingeing!!
Nobody could help me but myself. I feel like falling down.
I actually even wanted to enter a treatment cos i failed with my diet and betrayed Ana; i'm out of control about my eating habits; i'm a failure - huge fat failure, but can't stop... Ah, so they don't want to take me. Nobody cares about how i feel, nobody cares at all. They want me to explode from my binges, i feel so. Maybe then they'd help me?!

I MUST do this!
Otherwise, i'll kill myself. I can't live like this anymore! I'll jump from a 9-floor building roof, that's it.
So the diet plan "Thin or dead":

Day 1:
8am - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
9am - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
10am - chamomile tea, 250ml(2),
10.30am-11.30am - water, 200ml(0),
12am - beet/carrot juice, 200ml(75),
1pm - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
2.30pm - 3 apples(240),
3.30pm - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
4pm - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
5pm - coffee w/30ml milk(18),
6pm - chamomile tea, 250ml(2),
7pm - black tea w/lemon juice&sweetener, 250ml(3),
9pm - chamomile tea, 250ml(2)

(442)

Day 2, Day 3, Day 4 - the same.

Day 5:
8am - coffee w/30ml soymilk(16),
9am - 1/2 apple(40),
10am - 80g lima beans(92),
11am - coffee w/30ml soymilk(16),
11.30am-12.30am - water(0),
1pm - coffee w/30ml soymilk(16),
2pm - cabbage(100g)/carrot(72g)/cucumber(80g)/green bell pepper(74g) salad w/lemon juice(93),
3pm - chamomile tea(2),
3.30pm-4.30pm - water(0),
5pm - coffee w/30ml soymilk(16),
7pm - black tea w/lemon juice&sweetener(3),
9pm - chamomile tea(2)

(296)


tbc.

I'm a huge fucking pig!
I don't even want to write what have happened. I just couldn't handle this.
i want to kill myself cos i have no control anymore!
Ah, i wish i lived alone so i could kill myself. I don't want anybody see this FAT on me.
Is it life??! NO!
I can't even kill myself cos my mom would find my corpse, heh...
Please kill me somebody!

I'll try again tomorrow. Yes, i'll give myself one more chance for the last time.
Gonna buy diet pills tomorrow and liquid fast 'til friday. Then starting all over again.
If i do this, i deverve to live, if not - .......

So i've binged today.. Aaahh, FAT fucking WHALE! I've binged on fruits - apples, oranges, melon... I'm supposed to be under 500cals today.. Well, yeah... Can't force myself to keep on going, ah ah! But i will, dammit!! Tomorrow i'm gonna be fasting, that's it! Suppose to be 300cals for tomorrow, but will be >10(coffee, tea) for me. No more! I don't want to give up like this, no no no!!!
Ah, and i've purged today either... - wtf?! couldn't stand the number of amount of cals i've eaten.. But still, i'm lost in counting cals today.. Binging, purging - so tough!! Won't do this ever again! I can! Must be strong and think thin!! I just can't live being a whale! ah!
What about my day - have had to call my cousin to set up a meeting time. Feel worthless. Not gonna do that. She will be angry, i know, but i can't see anyone today! I'm a loser so i don't deserve to go out, besides i don't want her(and others) see my fat ass.. Also, i don't feel like talking or doing anything. I just  want to take laxatives and wait for a new day which is gonna be better cos i'll be fasting..
That's it! Fucking whale!.............................

So today i wasn't liquid fasting. I had:
3 cups of coffee w/30ml soymilk each(51),
a bowl of raw salad(cauliflower/broccoli/carrot/cucumber) w/ home-made dressing(lime juice/provence herbs)(132),
250g chiken broth(40),
3 cups of home-made orange flavored gelatin(appr.600g)(102),
116g honeydew melon(42),
1 cup of cocoa w/15ml soymilk&sweetener(20),
1 cup of black tea w/lemon juice&sweetener(3),
some water.

C/C says: 406

Okay, i've eaten like...MUCH! But i'm under 500 and it's okay.

Agh, i feel so pissed off of being happy w/out a reason all day! I hate anti-depressants! I should feel bad cos everything's bad, but seems like they'd blocked my feeling and i don't give a shit how BAD everything is. Hate this! I've been like running around all that happy all day, went groccery shopping for myself but bought some things for my mom etc. And i'm freaking excited about seeing my consulant tomorrow... WTF?! I've EATEN 406 cals and have no felling how many it was! Supposed to be liquid fasting still, but eating 406cals and don't give a shit about it cos the number says '500' for today. Feel like a machine or so. Disgusting.......